How We Score

Ever wonder how Sam and Melissa come up with their scores?  Well, friend, you are on the right page.

Sam and I critique using a highly scientific process which we developed something like this: Sam asked, "What is the first thing you notice when you walk into a restaurant?"  I responded, "How clean it is."  "Okay. What's the next thing you notice?"

From this glittering conversational gem grew our sophisticated system of eight categories detailing what makes or breaks a dining experience for us.  We decided to list the categories in order of how we notice them during a dining experiences because chronological order makes sense to us.  We grade on a 5-point scale detailed below.  Comments on individual scores are included for all below average scores and as the mood strikes us.

Our science is so brilliant it burns, right?

Sam and Melissa's Highly Scientific 5-point Grading Scale

5 = Superior (Hallelujah!  Can it always be like this, please?)
4 = Very Nice (I liked it.)
3 = Average (You're not floating my boat, but you're not sinking it, either.)
2 = Pretty Bad (I'm uncomfortable enough that I'm noticing it.)
1 = No No No (Ugh.  I want to leave now, please.)

This means the highest possible score is 40.  Average is 24.

Are you blinded by our science, yet?  Sam and I pick scores individually for each category and if we differ, we split the difference.

The Categories

Cleanliness:
Do I want to touch (or not touch) any surfaces?  Are the tables sticky?  Are the chairs and floor clean?  Do I want to disinfect and/or sterilize anything within my view?  No?  Good, then we can stay.

Ambiance:
How is the decor, lighting, musical selection?  Do I feel comfortable here?  This is a highly subjective category, and has little-to-nothing to do with their choices and everything to do with how those choices make Sam and I feel.  Whatever mood you're going for, set it properly.  If I'm sitting in an Italian place listening to the Smashing Pumpkins or Bach, something is very wrong.  Hint: you can't go wrong with Sinatra or Dean Martin.  Puccini, Rossini, and Verdi are also good choices.

Atmosphere:
This is really about the temperature of the restaurant because we don't like to sweat while we're eating.  Shivering our way through a meal is also uncomfortable.  Sam would like to note shivering isn't usually problem for him.

Seat comfort:
How comfortable are the seats?  Because when you are sitting for over an hour, this matters.  Are the chairs padded, big enough, short or tall, low backed or high backed, benches, stools, etc.  I know the wooden chairs are cheap and easy to clean, but my ass likes a little padding under it.

Service:
Is the staff friendly, courteous, helpful, and polite?  Did they greet us, seat us, and then abandon us?  Did our server refill our glasses when needed and check on us after bringing our food?  Did we have to wait on the check or for our change?  Does anyone work here?  Hello?  Can I please get some more water?  Otherwise known as "how big a tip am I leaving?"

Food Quality:
I'm not sure this needs an explanation, but I'm having fun typing these up so here goes.  How does the food taste?  Is the meat gristly and dry or melt-in-your-mouth delicious?  Are the veggies fresh and crisp or overcooked?  Is my food swimming in butter or oil?  It is well-seasoned?  Did they drown my salad?  Is my salad nothing but iceburg lettuce with some half-hearted shredded carrots or is it the epitome of saladness?

Food Quantity:
This category is possibly more self-explanatory than the prior one.  Is there enough food on my plate, or do they have stingy little servings?

Price:
In other words, was it worth it?